Variation VIII (Excerpt)

They told the six-year-old anyone could get it no other they but they told the six-year-old it could hide in you no other they but they said someone was leaving infected needles on toilet seats in the state fair public restrooms pointed up and invisible I was sure.  Six-year-old wes touched our butts together. Then we touched our half hard penises together.  I wanted his between my cheeks, but I was afraid to touch mine there, went to the side and told him I did it.  I guess it worked.  Silence. When I was twenty I would find out I had the infection I was convinced I had.  The diagnosis never came.  Either way nothing was wrong with me.  Growing up thinking what we thought about whatever no drugs were needed you swallowed different drugs needed I did not.  No drugs were needed and just one visit with one therapist that one time we never talked about it.  Either way nothing was wrong with me with he with she my age.  But the silence sets in not the good kind the uncomfortable kind that always looks good puts a smile and an apron on.  The older woman stood up, choked on her words and said she had never met someone who lost a parent to AIDS-related complications as she had lost her father.  Her mother never told the family why he was dying.  Some men pretend to like women some do not have to pretend to love women and loudly fuck men quiet.  All love that hurts always the wrong time the right time to say any three words that need to be said.  Silence, the sad kind.  Easy for he to say.

Of course every doctor is going to tell me that smoking is bad for me.  I need a serious answer from a serious doctor.  New York my brother, it is the New York drudge.  I am lucky I do not have wrinkles yet.  Just this pink skin and this yellow skin and this line between them between few and many not us and them.  This is not the war they the grand illusion of they of war more they and more they here than in war.  Let me keep my skin my brother my helmet and my skin please.  What’s the difference between a party and a criminal?  You are a party she said.  I was mad at him for shooting.  He was mad at me for going away.  That is why he started hanging with Gumby and Frankie.  Before that we was crimey partners he the protector.  If we don’t get out we both don’t get out and we both get in.  I went to his house and his mother was there.  He is her baby.  He said he felt weak.  I think you have AIDS because you are yellow I said.  She made him get tested. Just this pink skin and this yellow skin and this line between.  Another he other hes maybe Frankie would not take any pills they put the disease in them he said and Gumby lost his mind and still recognizes me.  But he my he took pills until he felt a little better then he got sicker.  He stopped shooting until he did not stop.  I hate needles.
Burdle you know you are going to die soon.
Yeah.  After I die, will you talk to me?  I will be scared until you do.

This room listens.  If you were lying there fat and weak weak and skinny naked the light would warm you.  You would feel the light and me most at your back between your shoulders just below your neck.  Before and when the sickness causes us to not be able to have sex anymore and before between you will feel me there.


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